Saturday, February 16, 2013

So, you're going to call someone who hates telephones...

I don't deny it; I have always hated telephones--since I was a child. They have caused me much anxiety and frustration (blast you, Bell and Meucci!) because every time the phone rang, my concentration was shot, dinner was interrupted, my plans were delayed, and family time was interrupted (and ultimately ended). If it were up to me, there would be no telephones--just letters, emails, and texting services. (Can I get an Amen, fellow phone haters?) In fact, I love getting letters!!! However, as I am a practical man, I know I need a phone for all types of emergencies.  

Be that as it may, there are a few things phone-lovers can do to minimize how much you irritate phone haters like me:

1. If it is after 9PM (or right before 9PM), I am probably winding down and preparing for bed. Don't call unless it's an emergency! The latter statement will hereafter be abbreviated to DCUE.

2. If it is before 8AM on a weekday, I am probably preparing for work. DCUE! If I am late because you interrupted my routine, we'll have a problem.

3. If it is between 8AM and 6PM, I am probably at work. DCUE! I probably won't answer, but I will be annoyed nonetheless.

4. If it is between 6PM and 7PM, I am probably just getting in from work and/or preparing/eating dinner. DCUE! Give me a chance to cool down and relax, or we'll have a problem.

5. If it is a Saturday before noon, I am probably still in bed. DCUE!  I work hard at a stressful job all week, so I deserve it. Wake me up, and we'll have a problem.

6. If it is on a Sunday before 1PM, I am at church or on my way. DCUE! Otherwise, the Lord will strike you down! Just kidding! Seriously, calling me when you know I SHOULD be at church is just annoying. Either send me a text or wait until later.

7. If it is Sunday between 7:30PM and 10PM, I am watching, or preparing to watch, Downton Abbey. DCUE! I mean it!

8. If you know I am tired or sick, DCUE, or if you are calling to check up on me. If you are calling about anything else, I am going to be angry and may have trouble hiding it.

9. If you are calling at a decent time, please keep it short. When I say short, I mean no more than 5 minutes (unless it is a complicated situation or I have not talked to you in a very long time). If you need to talk for a long period of time, let's meet in person. I don't know why, but long phone conversations seem to really torture me, and there are only two people I will allow to torture me in such a way: my mother and my future wife.

10. If you do call at a decent time and it sounds like I am busy, and it's not an emergency, please keep it very short. By very short, I mean 90 seconds or less.

Thank you for reading this and for understanding that I don't mean to be rude or unsociable; I just hate telephones. I do hope that you take my guidelines seriously. Otherwise, we'll have a problem!!!

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